IRL: Real-ness

Hey,

So this is a real life topic, something I don't usually go into.

Why?

Because: Reality's a nice place but I wouldn't want to live there :)

Just drop in to visit every once in a while. Sometimes I actually feel like I'm living underwater--which happens to be one of my favourite places. And whenever there's something important going on in real life, like an exam or result or family function, someone tosses me a line and I have to break the surface. But I can't take it very long, and I'm always anxious to get back underwater again. Back in my own world, snug and safe and surrounded by words and music.

What is my world?

I've never defined it, but it's whenever I sink so deep into a story that I forget what's real and what's not.(There I go, sounding like Leo in Inception--love that movie :))

But it's true. My world is whatever world the authors that I read, the movies that I watch, even the songs that I listen to, create. I'm safe there, because I'm the only thing living in it that can think for myself. Everyone else has a set pattern of thinking or doing that I am aware of. In a movie, it might take till the end to find out what drives a character, but you do find out at some point.

As I was writing those words, I just realised--I'm not like that. I don't really have any motivation, any real drive. Not in real life. I mean, my dream is to write and have my books read. That's true enough. But it's not a true dream, not considering where my life is going. I'm supposed to be an engineer, or a scientist, whatever it is that I finally become. But I've never woken up in the morning, the ecstasy fading as I realise that what I dreamt wasn't real, to recall the dream being where I was this great scientist. Writer, yes. Scientist, no.

((Though on a side note, I do love to teach. I've taught; well, handled a class of kindergarten students, and other imaginary classes consisting of most of my stuffed animal population, and I've loved every second. But I refuse to be a schoolteacher in this age of complete and utter disrespect for rules and ...well, you know...))

Disillusionment

Hallo, again!

Like I said in my first post on the difficulties of writing, stories I write usually go through approximately the same phases- I start out loving the idea or scene that I felt like portraying, then I write and write and hope and pray that it comes together cohesively. Since I've never written long pieces of writing, over 30 pages, anyway, I'm not always sure how to write, say, novel length stories. So I mess up. My first chapter doesn't grip the readers enough; the characters don't suggest themselves to the audience--somehow they never love them quite as much as I do--or a million other things. Maybe the way I'm writing it isn't good. Maybe I'm using flashbacks too much. Maybe I'm using them too less and incorporating stuff into the present story which I should've just left alone. I want to edit when I realise what's wrong with it, but by then I've lost interest in the idea. Or I feel that the damage done to the story is irreparable. So I take another story and continue with the cycle. Sometimes I feel like it's a normal part of writing; other times I hate myself for giving up so easily.

You just can't win.

Love,

BdK.

The Cat Barks

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

BelltdieKatze has officially rechristened her blog 'The Cat Barks' ...um, duh.

It was about time I gave up that stupid name : Written Thoughts, you served me well. R.I.P.

I don't remember what gave me the idea of 'The Cat Barks'; or, as my username suggests, BelltdieKatze, which is the approximation in Deutsch ...actually I do ;)

Um, so, anyway, I'm hoping that people will like the banner --that I slaved most of the afternoon over(lies, lies, all lies, I barely spent ten minutes on it...)

I dunno if it's perfect, but it's good. Yeah.

Bdk

P.S. Comment on the banner, please! I need to know if I'm good or bad at making them, since this is the first time I've ever done something like it.

Ubers Ende Der Welt/Ready Set Go

I listened to Ubers Ende Der Welt(Zimmer 483 version, not single) over and over and over and over and... well, anyway, this is what I came up with, just writing what came into my mind at the time. Read at your own risk(preferably listening to Ready Set Go):

The world was collapsing but she wasn't sad to see it go. They were running, making it into some sort of absurd race that no one was going to win. But they were free.

It was a wild, exhilarating feeling, this feeling of letting go.

There was a moment, of course, when she felt like she was going to fall instead of fly, but he was right there beside her.

“Do you trust me?” His lips quirked into a smile.

“No,” she said, laughing.

But they both knew better.

They looked back. She wondered...

Then he wheeled her around, to face him and the future.

“Do you still trust me?” He asked, no smile on his face now. His face was so serious it could have been set in stone.

“I've nothing to lose.” That was true enough.

“But do you-”

“Yes.”

She knew about the abyss he was trying to save her from. But she wasn't going to fall. If she did, she'd fly sooner or later. She trusted him more than he trusted himself.

He smiled, no longer conflicted.

“Then, let's go,” he invited.

Infinity beckoned.

Life beckoned.

**

As an endnote, I'm aware that it's complete crap. Thank you for reading.

BdK

Reviews, Games and Songfic

Hey-lo!

No, this isn't me trying to be funny and put an old/new spin on the normal greeting... Thing is, there's a Tokio Hotel song called 'Hurricanes and Suns' the chorus of which basically goes 'Come pain, come hurt, see the halo, hey-hey-hey-lo, hey-hey-hey!' Yeah, I know. But I love it! Seriously, I go about singing 'hey-hey-hey-lo' at the top of my voice these days. So, this post wasn't supposed to turn into Tokio Hotel song appreciation, but it did, probably owing to me listening to that song as I type. :)

Till the sun won't shine

Till the end of time

see the halo, halo, halo!

Ahem.

Back to the title, I was surprised and shocked and amazed and a million other good things when I checked on my fanfic--the same one I was complaining about earlier. There were eight reviews!! And over a 100 reads! I could die of happiness, I really could. But, more importantly, it made me feel like wanting to write again... which I did, upto about 12, which is late for me, the early bird. I guess writing always starts out on it's own fuel, like 'this is a good idea, I'd really like to put it on paper' but then the pace slackens and you don't feel like writing more. You actually feel like your writing's crap. But reviews are just the thing to remind you that maybe you're not so bad after all :)

I wrote quite a bit compared to what I've been churning out before, which was around half-a-page of writing every time I opened the document, managing to up it to almost three pages--then I got distracted again. There was this awesome game on Newgrounds that I started playing, you see, and... The words RPG just seem to draw me in. It's actually my favourite genre of game, role-playing. Usually it involves being the hero and swinging a sword around or something like it, but this was different. Rather like the Sims, you had to build up a life for your character. Okay, so not exactly like. I mean, all you can do in the Sims is around the house(at least, as far as I got) but this game is about attending school to be smarter, smarter means more promotions-or, if you're a hitman or something, you need to work out to increase strength. So it was a little like strategy-cum-roleplay, and it got me hooked for like six hours. That was about the game.

Now, songfic! Basically, I had an idea for a story--unfortunately fanfiction--from a Tokio Hotel song. Not telling either the idea or the song, but, um... hint, hint to all the aliens out there! Now this is a problem I've only faced once or twice-- sometimes I get these ideas, visualise them completely, even think out the whys and wherefores of the characters. But I never do anything about them. Those ideas are just too good for a novice like me to try and attempt and probably fail miserably to capture. So then I thought, if just one song can give me inspiration for a fic, why not do a bunch of them? So I am. Drabbles, vignettes and short stories, 74 in all. Yes, all the songs ever performed by Tokio Hotel.

Takes a bow, then scurries off to write the one based on Spring Nicht (Don't Jump)

BdK

Writers' Pain In The Neck ...um, I Mean, Block

Do you get the feeling, when you finally have the time and energy--all the time and energy you need to write, and you stare at a blank page with nothing coming out?

Well, that has yet to happen to me. When I see a blank page, I have the urge to fill it with something, anything. It can be meaningful or crappy, parts of a story that I recently read and loved, or a song that I've always listened to; a new fiction piece, poems, or drawings. But what does happen to me--and all the more easily since I have the whole 'spaces' thing on our Mac--is that I put the document somewhere else, another space, for example, and conveniently forget about it. Oh, I don't put it out of my mind entirely--not possible since I can see the light under the OpenOffice icon telling me that document is open--but things keep coming up. I think, I'll just talk to thisone on facebook, or, I'll just update my bio over here, or whatever. I always have something constructive to do, and keep putting it off until- surprise, surprise, it's midnight and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Right now, for example, I'm supposed to be working on a piece of fanfic that I started an eternity ago. I recently posted the first chapter up on--uh uh uh, I'm not telling you where! The point is, it's on there, and if I'm going to be updating on a regular, possibly weekly, basis, I need more than the nine chapters I've already written, because I'm already through three, and so have only six possible weeks to crank out several more chapters. I've discovered several things through this, my only piece of grown-up writing. By 'grown-up' I mean planned, with a thread and consistent characters, and--very dimly--an end in view. I work on the characterisations through small pieces that may start off as chapters but are relegated to simply being there. It turns out that great writers do not, as previously assumed, simply pour beautiful words onto paper. No, there is editing and cutting out and writing more than your reader will ever read involved. Which is great and all, but so annoying! I mean, I'll probably end up posting about 50% of what I actually write!! Therefore the procrastinating, and sighing and ranting.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be any good as a writer. Then I smack myself upside the head, take a break from the computer and go get a chocolate smoothie.

Love,

BdK.

PS I think suicide threats work when asking for comments. Or maybe my brother's just lucky and people like to read what he thinks. *is pouting though you can't see her*

Comment, please? Tell me I'm not useless at writing, and I'll thank you for it.