A note to the Students I TA for

I'm sure a good number of you resent me. I know I seem harsh when I say you can't come into lab because you're not prepared or I can't accept some work which is overdue. Externally, the reasons are all the same: the rules are the rules, you and I both have to play by them. Internally, though, the reason I believe in those rules is this: I want to have a positive impact on your lives.

This is one college course: this is one grade that won't even matter in the long run. But I want to teach you stuff I had to learn during college. I seem just a couple of years older than you; in fact, I am about 5 years older, and to someone who has been through college, those 5 years seem like a lot.

I could be a schoolteacher and let it slide when you don't complete something in time, or neglect to wear your safety glasses. I could ignore the fact that you are unprepared for lab. But the truth is, I'm never going to. I want you to learn that you can't do stuff like that anymore. You're going to have to start setting alarms, start working on the homework early, start being responsible.

"But what does it matter if it's ACS format?" You complain. Of course it does. You are given instructions, and you need to know how to follow them. But it's not as simple as a brainwashing indocrination into being a humanoid robot for the good of society. The underlying rules, which I tried to explain to you, are that progress needs human beings to work together, and you can't work together until you speak each others' language. It doesn't matter where you're from in the world, or how much(or little) experience you have in the field; the minute you learn the language you're able to communicate results and opinions, you're able to contribute in a way only you can.

"Stop snooping on my paper, of course I'm not going to cheat!" I believe you. I don't believe you. It doesn't matter what I think, I'm going to keep hovering just to remove the temptation of sneaking a quick peek. I've never cheated; but believe me when I say I've felt the temptation more than once. To those of you who have worked hard and come into this exam, I'm trying to protect you and your hard work. I'm trying not to let the unfairness of the world into our little space. I'm trying to give you your best chance.

I don't want or expect thanks for this maybe high-handed but certainly well-intentioned thought process. I just want you to learn something.

Gintama

...current obsession.

Well, at least it's most definitely worth it.

I do feel that every anime fan must watch Gintama at some point. Watching Gintama is the ultimate fanservice, and no greater pleasure than understanding the(hilarious) actual Japanese.

I disagree that there is no character development exactly in Gintama, especially in Gin-san. The openings and endings, when watched all together, make you really see how Gin-san has changed from the beginning of the series. In "Pray", he seems to be chased by actual demons, and is just beginning to wake from his nightmares. By contrast, a lot of the later openings hit hopeful notes as we start out, growing stronger and happier, for example, "Let's go out" begins with a bunch of pictures of him enjoying himself with everyone. Maybe it isn't the life-lesson-learning we're used to in our Hero's Quest-style anime, but it is definitely a change.

I haven't watched any serious amounts of the big 3 anime, about 50 episodes of One Piece, 15 of Naruto and about 100 of Bleach, but none of them has kept me hooked, with the pure rewatch value of Gintama. I daresay that after a few rewatches, I might actually get bored of Gintama too.

Somehow I doubt it though. As long as it keeps me in splits throughout an episode, and then pulls out all the stops to make me cry in the next one.

Make Good Art

Neil Gaiman, in his commencement speech, says:

"Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be, which was an author, primarily a fiction, making good books [...] and supporting myself through my words, imagining that was a mountain, a distant mountain, my goal. And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain, I'd be alright. And when I was truly not sure what to do, I could stop and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain."

People work with freelancers because:

1. their work is good
2. easy to get along with
3. they deliver the work on time

2 out of 3 is fine!

I'm just a little behind, is all.

5 things learning English has taught me

1. How to write when you have nothing to say

No, really. Half the time, in the exam my pen's just scratching its way across the paper, desperately trying to string together words and sound coherent and meaningful when all I really feel is that I don't know shit. And I'm still putting together crap phrases that sound fittingly formal like 'and thus it can be concluded that...' or 'one can define intermedial narrative as '. 

Just like this dog. Yeah, this is my life now.

2. How to absorb from 300+ pages in less than an hour

...or, how I survived 11 exams on 11 days of preparation. Usually my English exams are right after my regular semester ends, so after doing exactly zero prep during the whole entire year, when I was supposed to be doing a 22-week syllabus, I end up trying to cram everything in a couple of days(and nights, because let's face it, nobody sleeps when their fear of eternal damnation failing an exam is at hand). And it sucks because it's all really interesting to me, but I just can't seem to study unless my pants are on fire.

Stop, drop and roll!

3. How to sound intelligent

It's taught me phrases and words like poststructuralism, and, honestly, the true meaning of words people keep throwing around, like 'metaphor', 'irony' and 'analepsis'.

I am fun at parties, actually. Thanks! :D

This way people think I sound smart when I open my mouth, even if it's only because they have no clue/no interest in what I have to say. And when I hang out with people who read a book a year, I become the intelligent one. (I'm crying inside, really)

4. The humanities are one giant slanging match

Everyone uses the fact that they were here first/last/sometime in the middle to justify how everyone else was wrong and how they are most definitely right. Dictionary writers believe that the older the definition, the better, even though no one uses the word 'housewife' for a sewing pocket; heck, no one uses 'housewife' for a person who stays at home to take care of the children, either, because it's so-20th-century.

The structuralists believed the realists were trash, the post-structuralists believed the structuralists had their heads screwed on wrong: and everyone talks politely but depreciatingly about how people of other movements were 'products of their times', forgetting that they themselves are products of their times too.

Well, you know what I'm doing.

5. A lot of different things are worth studying, for a lot of different reasons

And it's true, too. In order to satisfy my curiosity, I read widely, when you consider I've read Modern Quantum Chemistry and Image, Music, Text in the same school year. Both books afforded me real enjoyment and taught me real, valuable things. Yeah, I half-assed it, choosing to spend my time not wisely, but too well; with friends, writing and creating things, learning languages, travelling and seeing the world. Those things taught me a lot too, but without a formal curriculum and without those pesky tests.

It's weird, and I still consider myself mostly a failure, but I'm content with what learning English and Chemistry has taught me over these last five years.

Endings and beginnings

au nowa wakari no hajimari.


Translation: To meet is the beginning of parting.

But instead of being empty, I'm full. I've picked up many things, just lying there waiting for me. Emotions, the ability to laugh and sing and dance. An understanding of other people. Skills. Some confidence, some courage, some willpower. And none of that would be possible if it weren't for so many people I have to thank.

Thank you, for seeing my name up on a board and making me feel at home immediately, and every single day since then.

Thank you, for helping me and letting me help you and for being a living, breathing part of my life.

Thank you, for the insight and the love and and the confidence as a storyteller.(I miss you)

Thank you, for seeing me when I couldn't see myself, and never letting me go.(I won't let go either)

Thank you for being the one presence in my life that won't change wherever I go.(And for cribbing so much, it's fun to hear)

Thank you also, for being there when I needed someone and for helping me pass my courses.

Thank you for being the single reason I committed to something for so long, and for making my heart go boom! in my chest for the first time ever. And the date.

Thank you for being this awesome senior and person that I look up to, and will always look up to.

Thanks for all the laughter and the tears. Mainly tears. But there may have been a lot of laughter.

Thank you for the flowers.(I never did say it, but I mean it now) And for the confidence boost.

Thanks for being interested in who I am, even when I thought no one could be. And for the counselling.

Thanks for the company. And listening to everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Thank you for letting me crush on you, and for being a friend first.(I wish we could go back to being good friends)

Thanks for the late night conversations and the discussions about dreams.(Work towards your goal, I will too)

Thanks for the pot.(To keep flowers in, of course)

Thank you for the (smallish)butterflies in my stomach every time I see you around.(Though you'll never know)

Thanks for making lab work fun, and for the interesting discussions and for being your very very dense self.(In the best way :) )

You, too, for livening up the place, and going nuts and the entertainment.

~~~~~~~

That's all I have. It feels like treasure to me.

Disappointment.

Re-reading my old blog posts makes me wonder where that girl has gone. The one who approached every new thing with wonder; didn't just sit there passively, letting all the entertainment wash over her. The one whose primary time-suck wasn't that ridiculous website where you don't even need a brain to scroll down and find something funny and/or droll.

She loved to read, and to recommend books to friends.
She'd be ashamed to find that every single book she'd bought in the last six months was lying in her room, unread and unloved.

She loved to write, and imagined wild scenarios, with axe murderers and witches, demons and princesses, and, of course, little kids going on adventures.
She'd be sad to realise the last couple of months the only thing open in a word processor was coursework-related. No original ideas, no time devoted to actually hammering out some stories.

She was big-mouthed and opinionated, and passionate about the books/movies/tv shows she watched. Not someone who googled for every silly thing, but who composed her own thoughts, and sat and wrote them down for the world to refer to.
She'd be depressed when she knew she hadn't had a new thing to say on her blog for months now, except for her (extremely shitty) love life, and rice cooker recipes.

Ah well. Depression comes and goes. I should know.

Laters,

Katze.

Trial song 2015-16

'Cause baby I could build a castle
Out of all the bricks they threw at me

I can't do anything right. I can't do anything, right? I can't do anything! Right.

And every day is like a battle
But every night with us is like a dream

*texting*
Ugh, still stuck working.

Wanna go out?

...

Meet you in 5?

Baby we're the new romantics
Come on, come along with me
Heartbreak is our national anthem
We sing it proudly

Four years, two. Six months. Not all that long, right? Why wear your heart on your sleeve? No one wants to listen to your dumb stories. Even if they are true.

We are too busy dancing
To get knocked off our feet

Boyfriends are a waste of time. Focus on your career, you've got things to do, places to be. Honestly, you're lucky you've never been in a relationship. You haven't been distracted. None of these guys are worth it. (right?)

Baby, we're the new romantics
The best people in life are free

Shout-out to my bitches. I love you guys. So so much. And you're definitely at your best when you're free :P

Rice cooker recipe #3

These are difficult!

So this is just regular pasta, boiled with a little salt until al dente, then instant soup powder added because:

a) It was the only thing to hand

b) I like instant vegetable soup

and 

c) Yes, I'm completely nuts, thanks for asking. :D

It tasted great, and would've been greater had I been able to actually eat it. Was wolfed down by my ex-roomie :'(

Anyway, till next time!

Gingerbread Man

Am I a fan of Ed Sheeran?

Well, yeah. I squee and aww all over his most recent interviews. I jump from statement to statement about his tattoos and his love life... but it all comes down to his music. His passion. More importantly, his job. And every time, every single effing time, I get all these feelings. Awe. Frustration. More awe. More frustration. And then overwhelmingly, motivation. Inspiration. He’s only two years older than me, and he’s achieved so much in life.

We’re so different, and yet I want to be who he is. I figured out what his motto is, on a recent interview. I’m definitely going to try it out.

He said, “I try to choose a role model, and then be 2x better than them. Work 2x as hard.” (I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what I got out of it)

Well, Ed, it’s time for me to try to work 2x as hard as you, then. Because eff this life where I’m holding myself back because I’m too lazy, too comfortable. People would kill to have the opportunities I have right now, and all I’m doing is sitting on my butt pretending that everything will work out somehow. Well, guess what. It doesn’t work that way, not if you want something as bad as Ed does. And he got his birthday wish three years in a row!

How many times have I got my birthday wish?

...

...Never.

When is a good time? When I'm out of school? When I'm out of college? When I'm stuck in a job I don't like, doing something I don't believe in?

How about now?

Sometimes I think I sound like one of those self-help websites, the ones that claim they'll help you help yourself or whatever that is.(My guilty pleasure when surfing. Shh, don't tell anyone.)

Also, been reading a LOT of Brandon Sanderson. He's another one who pushes himself, and a true inspiration.

Rice cooker recipe #2

So here's a second recipe!

This is Penne with bottled Arrabiata sauce. It's (surprisingly :P) easy to make pasta in a rice cooker. Just add water and... ah ah ah, I'm foreshadowing :P Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:

Dried pasta, Penne                    ~200 gms (I think? For one person, basically)

Bottled Arrabiata sauce            ~50 gms (One would suppose)

Olive oil                                    A shot, in the pasta

Salt and Pepper                         To taste

Method:

1. Place pasta in cold water(it comes from the cooler on my floor, okay!) add salt, and heat
2. It takes longer in a rice cooker than on the stove: it takes about 20 mins to cook
3. When done, drain (most of :P) the pasta water out of the cooker, then add a bit of oil, and about as much sauce as necessary
4. Add salt and pepper to taste, cook a little longer but not too long

I usually don't need any more salt, but pepper(and the associated chilli flakes and italian seasoning) is useful if the premade sauce isn't spiced to your liking.

I've made my pasta out of those Chefs' Basket erm... baskets! Their sauce is actually really nice, and they really do provide everything you need to make yummy pasta. Even in a rice cooker. Especially in a rice cooker.

Cooking is super fun.

Rice cooker recipe #1

So here's my cute little 0.6L rice cooker:

And here's recipe #1:

Ingredients:

1 pack Act II popcorn

Method:

1. Dump pack of popcorn into rice cooker
2. Tape button down, else it'll pop up before the popcorn is done
3. Shake at intervals to prevent burning
4. Cover with cloth (but make sure the steam vent is clear) when popping starts-- it can get quite violent.
5. Shut off when popping stops almost completely
6. Enjoy! :D

It turns out surprisingly well. Been a while since I posted, thought I'd make up for it with a string of rice-cooker recipes :D

Hot off the presses

*groan*

I hate myself and my inability to just let go already, damn you!

Ahem. Moving on.

This year is going to be just fine, I suppose. We're shifting sometime soon, and that has created this sort of limbo in my mind, wherein I'm hanging around somewhere in between a single room in the new wing of my hostel and a double room in the old one. I'm impatient to shift, and yet I'm hoping everything turns out for the best; or else I'll be regarded with no mercy by the people burdening me with the guilt of making them move-- yes, I'm looking at you, Ms. F.

In other news, GRE words, whose meaning I always had a sort of nebulous idea about, that I'm forced to try and remember in my spare time.

Spare time? *hollow laugh* Lab's going well. No, really. No, I haven't just spent the whole day in bed, why do you ask?

Ah, the cleverness irresponsibility of me!

English courses. Must do continuing registration. I'm thinking of taking Language and Gender, and... dum dum dum... Shakespeare!

Must sleep now. Will write fiction every week. Must practice these rusty writing skills, or the brain will turn to mush.

A Playlist

A run-down of songs currently on my favourite playlist:

1. Best Day of My Life by the American Authors

Because I was planning to make a video with my wingies, to this soundtrack. It seems highly unlikely that it’ll ever get completed now, but I’m not giving up just yet. Also, it’s an enjoyable song when I’m in the mood for something peppy and happy-sounding.

2. Problem by Ariana Grande feat. Iggy Azalea

Ariana Grande’s voice is incredible, though I don’t usually like these kinds of numbers. And the lyrics, of course ;)

Head in the clouds, got no weight on my shoulders

I should be wiser and realise that I’ve got

One less problem without you

3. Irreplaceable by Beyonce

I used to listen to this back in school, and downloaded it for old times’ sake, along with Miley Cyrus’ The Climb. Nice, empowering songs for those times when you feel like there’s nothing going for you.

4. F you by Cee Lo Green

Because. It’s fun to go, “F you!” when there’s no one else around. Especially if you have someone to target your frustration on.(No word on whether the frustration is deserved or not. Let’s just say it’s more satisfying to blame one person than to blame life for giving you lemons :P)

5. Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran

Self-explanatory. This song is beautiful, and I have it on repeat every night just before I fall asleep. TBH, I’ve done that with a fair share of Ed Sheeran songs, because he rocks.

6. Take Me to Church by Hozier

Somehow the first line sends shivers down my spine.

My lover’s got humor

She’s the giggle at a funeral

Actually, this whole song, and Hozier's voice... And once I begin singing the chorus, it’s hard for me to stop.

7. All I Want by Kodaline

Ah. Yet another from the Vampire Diaries. I love this show for giving me hours of entertainment, characters I can really get my teeth into, but mostly for all the new-old music it’s introduced me to. You can just listen and go, yeah, that’s from the Vampire Diaries. Slow, lovey-dovey, emotional songs to pair with slow, lovey-dovey emotional scenes.

8. See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth

Thanks to my obsessed wingie. :* And the sentimental video we made for someone who won’t be around as often anymore.

9. So What by P!nk

Equal parts girl/rock-star power and revenge. Yeeaah.

So what

I’m still a rock star

I got my rock moves...

...and you’re a tool so, so what?

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don’t want you tonight

10. The Wrong Direction by Passenger

Because sometimes you just need to drown in your self-pity and equalize. Yeah, so I’ve never --insert romantic movie name here-- but I can handle that. I just need to wallow in my loneliness sometimes.

11. Superheroes by The Script

So The Script are officially my workout band. I listen to them when I jog, either outside on my iPod or on the treadmill, and they give me inner strength and motivation. I don’t know why, but I’ve put a lot of positivity into their songs, and I get it all back every time I hear another one. This song is just crying out to be a motivational enhancer.

You've been fighting for it all your life

You've been struggling to make things right

That's how a superhero learns to fly

12. Your Love is a Song by Switchfoot

Because my roomie was obsessed with it for a while, and these things transfer from one person to the other like viruses. Good viruses, but viruses nonetheless.

In other news, I feel really, really good. Yeah. Studying for my English exams, planning to have a whole lot of fun this summer, did well in my additional learning courses in college, don't cry over ridiculous things(although I did cry last night, but that was over a fictional character's fictional parents dying, so totally non-ridiculous ;) ). Yeah.

Retreat Pt 2

Dear you,

I don't know what to say anymore.

I have mad moments in which I want to take it all back, keep doing whatever it was I thought I was doing, apologise for leaping to conclusions and just remain the way we were.

I want to talk. I want to be around you. In the face of all rationality, I want you to want to talk and want to be around me, too.

How lame, right?

But mostly I want to stop thinking about you. Stop avoiding love songs and other people who are driving me insane with their, 'But why did you do this?'. Stop my heart twisting at the thought that I can no longer just keep something in mind to tell you later; can't fulfil my promises and bug you to fulfil yours.

They say it'll get better. They say I'll stop caring. But I don't want to. But I don't want to, I cry like an impatient child. It's just not fair. I run on the treadmill to the beat of those words. It's. Just. Not. Fair. I pound it out to every step until I'm tired and sweaty.(and I hate being sweaty, but I welcome the fatigue)

Even lamer.

I wonder if you miss me, even a little bit, even at all. There I go, wandering into dangerous territory again.

Must not think of you. Must not speak to you. Must not want to cry. Oh, dear.

When you hate and love LAN ban

Every once in a while I become this reclusive internet nerd.

I start off on Facebook or 9gag or Youtube and then hop, hop, hop, headphones in my ears, until the sun's come up and gone down and come up again. I have lists of things left unfinished, people waiting to hear from me, and I just let everything go for just one more cat video, which tends to turn into a whole marathon.

I trawl and trawl, finding the weird and the creepy and the just plain absurd. Fake accounts are a dime a dozen, and fun to play with and troll people out of.

Internet-addiction is a scary thing, and around once a month, I just let myself go. Eventually, head pounding, eyes watering, I give in to my body's needs, switch off, power down.

Until next time, I promise myself. One day I will make that highscore on Burrito Bison Revenge.

Jump Then Fall

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realise your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

It's hard to imagine, for those who haven't been there, these feelings and how they affect every single little detail of your life.

I am infatuated, and my heart pounds, and I can hear the blood rushing in my ears. I fumble for things to say when I'm around him, and when I'm not-- the words keep rushing out. Everyone around me is tired of hearing about him--

But it's not really him I'm talking about. It's me- my soft, fluffy feelings, my hurt, my thoughts and tiny, trembly hopes- all spilt out of my mouth and into the air, making vague cottony shapes that clog up everyone's ear-holes(not him again, they groan) and they don't realise it's the most selfish I've been in forever(or at least, since the last one).

I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk but you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is
We should be together

Infatuation is a selfish interaction. You always think you're giving more than you get, but what you offer isn't really worth much, is it? Sure, you run around doing favours, but for the more selfish among us--yours truly included--they're followed by this vague resentment that would never occur if you really, genuinely wanted to help. It puts a bite into every word and every gesture, lends a new bitterness to every memory.

Cause every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Don't put yourself out for her if she doesn't and/or won't feel the same, I scold. In the back of my mind, a sinking feeling tells me that I'd do the same in his shoes. So I give him a wry smile, pat him gently on the back, and agree that it's a shitty feeling.

Woah, I'm feeling you baby
Don't be afraid to jump then fall
Jump then fall into me
Be there, I'm never gonna leave you
Say that you wanna be with me too
Cause Imma stay through it all so jump then fall

The Listener

I am an expert at faking smiles. 

It’s what I’ve always done, always thinking about other people and other people’s feelings and their problems. Why bother them with whatever useless emotion I’m feeling?

He was the only one I never tried to hide with. He listened to me: not to other people, no, they bored him. But I was this hurt person and I was his person. It felt good to be heard. I could talk and talk and not worry about judgement or boredom. Of course, I listened in return. But that’s what I do. 

I’m a listener.

I listened to him all the way through his friendship with her, the ups and downs, the fights and the birthday surprises. And I listened as he told me we were too different, that he couldn’t hurt me or hide it from me anymore. I listened all the way to the door, and beyond.

I listened when he told me he’d moved on, when my traitorous heart was still hoping against hope that things would go back to the way they were. I listened when he had fights with his new girlfriend and he needed to vent, the ache in my heart not fading but growing sharper, it seemed, with time.

And I began faking smiles again.

New Year's Resolutions

...which I am most definitely not going to talk about. I've spent so much time above the water that I'd almost forgotten what that secret underwater world looked like. But the real world stung me, hard and fast, and I retreated.

Now I've reconnected with what I've been missing. It feels good. It's a buffer between me and everyone and everything else. Nothing can hurt me.

...
...
...right?

I like sites like 9gag and Cracked because they provide me with interesting--occasionally disgusting--sometimes sweet information and make-believe. It's hard to distinguish between the last two categories. I suppose it's easier to just assume everyone on there has no reliable source unless their post absolutely convinces you that something is 'for real'. Because you don't want to believe and/or reproduce any of the information or stories on there unless you're damn sure that they haven't stolen it/photoshopped it/made it all up.

But they're hell entertaining.


Also. I can never have enough people to care about. The tugs in my chest don't pull too many ways, they just pull whenever you're around. So it's okay. I'll be there for you when I'm there, and that's the important thing, right?

(Of course, the same has to go for you. But it will.)

On Relationships

People are screwed up.


...that should be all, really, as it's all I've learnt in the past few months. Every time I work out something new about someone or myself, it comes back to that. People have screwed-up, over-complicated lives. People, including me, have no clue what they're doing, but they do it anyway.

You'll be glad to know I did not, in fact, screw up my endsems. I over-complicated some stuff, and I simplified some other stuff, and I came to the conclusion that I am a terrible friend. A good person, in general, with good intentions, but a terrible friend. I know that someone out there, reading this, knowing me, is agreeing with me.

I love you, and I want to apologize for being a shitty friend, but not yet. Not yet. Because fixing pain and broken relationships requires, above all, time.

Declaration of Intent

So this week, in Renaissance and Restoration, I will be doing Thomas More’s Utopia. I’ve begun by reading the 30-page introduction and hope to give it a preliminary reading by tonight. I have, in fact, spent most of today 

a. doing nothing and 

b. reading a chapter of the Good Study Guide, explaining how to approach primary texts, which is actually very very useful.

I am also planning to do Wordsworth, in Augustans and Romantics, since I have the necessary books and all. I’m actually looking forward to it, since I like Wordsworth, and I like reading poetry(even though analysing it is beyond me. For now, anyway).

For Victorians, I begin with Robert Browning(gasp, more poetry). I know next to nothing about the Victorian period, having done no background research on it, but I will. This should be fun. :D

Finally, for Varieties of English DX. I still don’t have the book, still haven’t ordered it off of Flipkart. I must be out of my mind! But it’s okay, since I have two of the other set texts, and the study guide to start me off. I’ll just pad my knowledge once the actual book arrives. I suppose.

Now to start! :D