...is how I feel.
I'm used to these feelings, and used to getting over them, mostly by the tried-and-tested technique of escapism and transference to fiction. But my mechanism is rusty; has been for the last few months. I'm not sure at what point I stopped expressing myself creatively, but it's driven me quietly insane.
Yesterday I began to brood on two characters I'm putting through their paces before they get to their happily-ever-after. I spent about half-an-hour on them before I was forced to give up: and that half hour wasn't enough, either, because it took so long to get into their heads and really feel the story.
I can't take it anymore, though. I thought I'd try making a straightforward list and publishing it. No names, no details. Just some steam-letting.
1. Ridiculous is how I feel. Being ignored is the second shittiest thing in the world, the first being ignoring someone when you really don't want to. And in the end, even surrounded by people, you feel like something's missing. A whole bunch of someones are missing.
2. When something mars an otherwise perfect memory, there's nothing you can do about it other than brood and feel the hurt as if it was fresh. And it ruins every good thing you felt about the past.
3. Panic. My favourite emotion, I do believe. I'm very good at the irresponsible action--useless panic combo. Usually followed by a deep sense of self-disappointment.
That's all, folks.
I'm used to these feelings, and used to getting over them, mostly by the tried-and-tested technique of escapism and transference to fiction. But my mechanism is rusty; has been for the last few months. I'm not sure at what point I stopped expressing myself creatively, but it's driven me quietly insane.
Yesterday I began to brood on two characters I'm putting through their paces before they get to their happily-ever-after. I spent about half-an-hour on them before I was forced to give up: and that half hour wasn't enough, either, because it took so long to get into their heads and really feel the story.
I can't take it anymore, though. I thought I'd try making a straightforward list and publishing it. No names, no details. Just some steam-letting.
1. Ridiculous is how I feel. Being ignored is the second shittiest thing in the world, the first being ignoring someone when you really don't want to. And in the end, even surrounded by people, you feel like something's missing. A whole bunch of someones are missing.
2. When something mars an otherwise perfect memory, there's nothing you can do about it other than brood and feel the hurt as if it was fresh. And it ruins every good thing you felt about the past.
3. Panic. My favourite emotion, I do believe. I'm very good at the irresponsible action--useless panic combo. Usually followed by a deep sense of self-disappointment.
That's all, folks.
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